I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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