I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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