and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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