if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize