why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
