dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
