Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
