he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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