he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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