I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
