Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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