Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
