If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Semen is not good for contacts.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize