We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
