Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
