he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
