we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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