good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
