I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
