I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
