Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
