dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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