also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
