we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
