Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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