What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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