you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
