when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
