my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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