I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
