my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
