Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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