it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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