I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
