I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
