are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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