his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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