Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
