go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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