How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
