i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
