you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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