dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
