Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
