I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
