i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
