I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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