he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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