if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
