She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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