good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
