You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
