I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
