i dedicated my morning wood to you.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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