I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
