So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
