Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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