how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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