I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
