My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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